When your eyes wander across the chaos,
in search of your identity,
lost in the worldly machinations,
they reveal the depth of your pursuits,
It is then that I seek refuge,
in the silences that sing about my quests…
Are they your pursuits, or mine?
Times and dates are man's inventions. So when the calendar is changing from 2010 to 2011, it is not that something is happening to our surroundings or nature or human minds. It is only that a number is changing. I wonder if people would have celebrated if there were no months but only days, numbered till infinity or if man developed the date co-ordinates with non-recurring unique names/numbers. By curious observations through science, mankind has given recurring scale co-ordinates to the movement of this planet and hence people feel that something is going to start now. In reality, I do not think anything new will happen as such, because what is changing is only the number on the calendar. The mind is still the same and so are the thoughts and they are not dictated by numbers we used to differentiate the time movements. Anyway, I do not mean to sound weird by writing all this. It is just my take on New Years day or Birthdays etc. But then, having accepted the system, we just tend to go with the flow and adapt ourselves to it. I too am trying the same. Now that 2010 is ending (what if some mathematician or scientist tells us that today is actually December 27th and not Dec 31st? Like how they change the time in their watches in the west, for Daylight saving etc.Will people change their calendars and cancel their Celebrations plans?), I too, like a million bloggers out there writing a "yearly round up", wanted to write one. I wouldn't have written one if it were a mere change in year. I am writing it only because 2010 was indeed an eventful year for me, compared to 2009, 2008, 2007. And it is that 'eventful'ness that I wish to record here.
2010 was perhaps a turning point for me, in ways more than one. The year began with me being with lot of operations related tasks - for my wedding and my sister's wedding. By a strange coincidence, both the weddings were on consecutive days.
I have seen people getting married and I knew that I would be in the line of fire too. But I was never much inclined towards this institution called marriage as such. Yes, I was open to living with a person with whom I would be striking that extreme level of comfort zone, in all my variant moods, temperaments and emotions. But whether to legally/socially bind with with this tag called Marriage - thats something I always wondered! But then, living in a South-Indian brahmin household, it would be considered too bohemian if I'd say that "I would like to live with this person". Lot of people tell me that people mellow down as they age and that the rebellious spark in them would soon fade out, once they move from 18 to 21 to 25 to 27. I don't know how much of a rebel i was and how much of it got faded. Sometimes I feel that it (if ever it existed), only intensified. I remember the days, my teens especially, when I used to visit a temple everyday. And now, I do visit it, but only when I feel like. And I have successfully kept away from crowded temples since last 3 years. For example, Tirupati - I am not sure if I'd visit it again ever, unless, by some miracle, they impose a curfew there and give only me the visiting pass for a day. Anyway, to end the digression, I feel there are facets of me which have mellowed down over years and there are facets of me which have become more aggressive. Going through the social function (of money spilling) called Marriage was inevitable. No matter how much I tried to keep it as a low-key affair, I have been snubbed by my previous generation and I had to give in. I drew a lesson here. I am not going to do the same, to my next generation.
Living with a new person in life, a life partner, was something I was apprehensive about. Apprehensive because I was more concerned about the person who would be sharing this space. I know and I have been told by my parents, that I am not an easy man to live with. So I wondered if she would really adjust. Looks like she managed well. And the peace of mind, i derive, out of this thought that I ended up marrying not some stranger but someone who is my alter-ego, in multiple dimensions... that's a great solace for me, that keeps me going even when I am entangled with negativities. Life gets lot easier when you live with a person who reads your silences and responds back with actions you'd expect. Not just about the match in the thought-frequencies and wave-length in the daily course of living, but a match in the likes/dislikes also adds more colour to life. I guess I couldn't have asked for more. It is like how a composer knows the precision of single note at a point of time. Just by a strange combination of knowledge, instinct and skill. You know what is exactly right and anything little more or little less is just going to spoil it. I do not have any skill but atleast by knowledge and instinct, I feel for sure that my partner is the exact fit, in my scheme of things.
If a compatible partner is one large and important part of the story, then having extremely wonderful in-laws with hardly any generation gap is another part. Imagine me experiencing a generation gap with my parents and yet not feeling the same when it comes to in-laws. Too cool eh!
I was/am extremely happy for my sister too, who got a fantastic person as her partner and a wonderful family. And ofcourse, I did enjoy the whole 2-day function affair.
2010 is also the year in which I took one of my interests seriously and made in into a passion, all thanks to my sister and her husband. They gifted me a DSLR and I immediately started learning it. Now I am about 7 months into it and although there is a huge pool out there from which I need to learn a lot, the growth so far has been satisfactory. It helped to think, to form my own school of thought, my own aesthetics etc. Aesthetics, many times, actually get borrowed... since, when we tend to like something, we indirectly appreciate the person who created it. And somewhere, the influence of that person does run in the mind. I think it is more true in the case of arts. But then, the aesthetics are not mere legacies that are passed on. Aesthetics get mixed up too, with our influences and our own innate thoughts. So, I think, the end result is a mishmash of influences and own signatures. I am still exploring myself and my thoughts using photography but the journey so far as been totally liberating. It is indeed a way of knowing myself a bit more.
The birthday surprise I got this year was probably the biggest surprise ever, in my life. A book of my poetry and photography. It also set a benchmark, for me and I am not sure if I will be able to live up to that or beat that. And by the way, I turned T-H-I-R-T-Y!
2010 was not all completely rosy too. I did have my share of few tensions, the shadows of which might hark again. But for now, I am ready to become one of the 3 monkeys, who refuses to see anything bad.
I have learnt to ignore lot of things in 2010. This has added a lot of energy to my patience levels. I have learnt to ignore negativities. More importantly, I am still trying to ignore things on which I have no control. I am trying to be less reactive about them. For instance, I am stopped being hopeful about the state of this country. I am quite convinced that greed has taken over the society. The levels of corruption in India would result only in multiplication of corruption. I mean, what if 98 out of 100 have 'don't care' attitude! I get to see this attitude even on our roads. Just count the number of vehicles that zoom past you on the right-side of the road, when you are waiting in a traffic jam. India is there... going to dogs. and I wouldn't even complain much about it, because I alone cannot change it. People themselves are not interested to change anyway. So, together lets all rot anyway, in this kind of system. And I would ignore this too.
I did good amount of traveling this year. I went to Goa in the beginning and then to Jim Corbett National Park in April. I also had been to Chennai couple of times and even to Bangalore. Had another trip to Delhi, Agra and Jaipur in December.
The 31st December Euphoria invariably makes people to plan things for the New Year. Call them resolutions or plans or whatever. Most people have new year resolutions. People who think that taking resolutions is cliche` or people who do not believe in resolutions, also do plan few things but would flinch at calling them as "Resolutions". I fall in the 2nd category. Yes, I do need to change few things in my life... some big and some small... but collectively speaking, a huge change is imperative, in the way I function. But I do not wish to publicize them. I just have them on the top of my mind and I hope I just work on them.
Adieu 2010! With all the mixed bag given to me, it is still a very important year in my life. And then, it all has to balance out anyway! I think it did, fairly well! But then i still have so many questions unanswered. A good part of my formative years is still breathing inside me. I still have many questions around many things and the habit of curiosity and question did not die anyway. So I think I got to keep pursuing the path, no matter how fast or slow the dates on the calendar change. After all, there are so many dreams, the seeds of some are still not sown.
Wishing everyone wonderful moments, no matter what the date is.
Life beckons! Bye!
This remains as my all time favourite.
If you take a life, do you know what you’ll give?
Odds are you wont like what it is
When the storm arrives would you be seen with me?
By the merciless eyes I’ve deceived
I’ve seen angels fall from blinding heights
But you yourself are nothing so divine
Just next in line
Arm yourself because no one else here will save you
The odds will betray you and I will replace you
You can’t deny the prize it may never fulfill you
It longs to kill you …are you willing to die?
The coldest blood runs through my veins
You know my name
If you come inside things will not be the same
When you return to the night
If you think you’ve won you never saw me change
The game that we’ve been playing
I’ve seen this diamond cut through harder men
Than you yourself, but if you must pretend
You may meet your end
Arm yourself because no one else here will save you
The odds will betray you and I will replace you
You cant deny the prize it may never fulfill you
It longs to kill you …are you willing to die?
The coldest blood runs through my veins
You know my name
Try to hide your hand, forget how to feel
Life is gone with just a spin of the wheel
Arm yourself because no one else here will save you
The odds will betray you and I will replace you
You cant deny the prize it may never fulfill you
It longs to kill you …are you willing to die?
The coldest blood runs through my veins
You know my name.
Written & Composed by: David Arnold and Chris Cornell; Film: Casino Royale
- Richard Bach
O breeze, wafting through the mountains...
O breeze, bedecked like a bridegroom...
Descending after worshipping the cross at the altar...
God's own country shall consent for a warm welcome..
O` Beloved....O` Beloved...
Aaromale!
In the sacred fragment of this auspicious moment...
O Bride, May you be blessed with a long wedded life...
In the inner sanctum of the dark night...
O Star..what are withholding yourself for?
Like a ray of light in the mist of the dawn...
My lady! Are you standing afar?
On the withering boughs O` cuckoo, did you sing sweetly?
Did the festive fragrances trace the crimson flames in the earthen lamps?
O` Beloved....O` Beloved...
Aaromale!
Does the sea still possess the love... to serenade the shore?
Does the love still fathom in the heart... to be melted like wax?
In the sacred fragment of this auspicious moment...
O` Bride, may you be blessed with a long wedded life...
In the inner sanctum of the dark night...
O` Star..what are withholding yourself for?
Like a ray of light in the mist of the dawn...
My lady! Are you standing afar?
O` Beloved....O Beloved...
Aaromale!
Original Malayalam Lyrics: Kaithapram; Translation by: Anonymous; Source: Wikipedia; Film: Vinaithaandi Varuvaaya
I cant remember if I wished for anything in my life this strongly.. but today I want to...
I don't know if I have to ask God or science or whatever...
1 more day...
And I just hope my wish gets answered... by some miracle.
Praying!
Aur phir yun hua...
Raat ek khawab ne jagaa diya,
Aur phir yun hua..
Raat ek khawab ne jagaa diya,
Phir yun hua, chaand ki woh dali ghul gayee,
Aur yun hua, khawab ki woh ladi khul gayee,
Chalti rahee be-nooriyaan,
Chalte rahe andheron ki..roshni ke tale..
Phir nahii so sake..
Ek sadi ke liye...hum diljale..
Phir nahii so sake...
Ek sadi ke liye.. hum diljale..
Aur phir yun hua, Subah ki dhool ne udaa diya..
Aur phir yun hua, Subah ki dhool ne udaa diya..
Phir yun hua, chehre ke naksh sab dhul gayee,
Aur yun hua, gard the.. gard mein rul gaye,
tanhaaiyaan odhe hue..
galte rahe bheege hue..
Aansuon se gale...
Phir nahii so sake, ek sadi ke liye hum diljale,
Ek sadi ke liye hum diljale...
Written by: Gulzar; Music: Vishal Bharadwaj; Source: Soundtrack of Striker
Oh it's a mystery to me.
We have a greed, with which we have agreed...
and you think you have to want more than you need...
until you have it all, you won't be free.
Society! you're a crazy breed.
I hope you're not lonely, without me.
When you want more than you have, you think you need...
and when you think more than you want, your thoughts begin to bleed.
I think I need to find a bigger place...
cause when you have more than you think, you need more space.
Society! you're a crazy breed.
I hope you're not lonely, without me.
Society, crazy indeed...
I hope you're not lonely, without me.
There's those thinking more or less, less is more,
but if less is more, how are you keeping score?
It means for every point you make, your level drops.
Kinda like you're starting from the top...
and you can't do that.
Society! you're a crazy breed.
I hope you're not lonely, without me.
Society! crazy indeed...
I hope you're not lonely, without me
Society! have mercy on me.
I hope you're not angry, if I disagree.
Society! crazy indeed.
I hope you're not lonely...
without me.
written by Jerry Hannan. Performed by Eddie Vedder. From the OST of 'Into the Wild'
The temperature on the thermometer reads 102. And it is 3rd day already. Thats enough for my parents to confine me to bed, bread and coconut water. The last time i had a high temperature was in 2006. The temperate was 105 and I had an exam the next day morning and I also had a marriage to attend.
Till i was 26, I never had fever attacks frequently. I might have gone through Typhoid and Jaundice, but in all, fever might have struck me hardly 6 times. But ever since I started working, fever seems to be striking atleast once in a year. Apart from that, other health hazards keep popping up, thanks to my immobile job. I remember once my middle-finger (no pun intended), developed such a swelling and pain, that i did not understand what happened. It happened overnight. Then, my infamous leg fracture, which kept me on bed for 2 months. That was an year ago.
In all, if i look back, I think health issues are on rise and I need to do something about it. An exercise is a must for sure and I need to diligently practise morning walk or jog, once i am back in proper shape. I need to change my food habits too. Its high time i have proper breakfast in the morning. I have been skipping it. And yes, i need to have more fruits.
One decision I am glad about is that I have kicked hard liquor. And it is not a conscious decision but something that just came out of distaste during a moment. Last week I had vodka and strangely, I could not have it comfortably. I had to throw it. There was a time when i used to have only vodka and now, there came a day when i felt "enough is enough". I dont think i will have vodka again. And i feel good about it. Like they say, there is a moment for everything.
There is a reason behind this post. I want it to serve as a note, written by me, that reminds me that I need to get little conscious about my health and eating habits. The thought is running in my mind and i dont want to keep it there. I am afraid i might ignore the thought, but if it atleast stares at me, from my blog, I can get little more conscious about my care or negligence, as the case may be. I think this post is a good barometer, for the days to come. Let me see how i fare.
For now, its time to get back to my tablets, bread, coconut water and a nice book to read. A book is such a wonderful companion, especially when you are tied to bed with sickness. I dont know if sickness is a boon or a bane, but I am having time for myself.
Life happens only once.And it is up to us to make the most out of it, by what we do, what we want to do and the people we choose to share moments with . Just one life! And still, it is strange that people have hundred reasons to enjoy chasms and negativities instead of enjoying life by instilling more positivities, togetherness, good friendships, good dreams and a feel-good inclusive attitude. Why do people always look for a reason to break, instead of making something? Be it a relationship or society or life or whatever. There is always a disintegration instead of consolidating and making the existing things stronger. People are not happy with relationships, they break. Families are not happy with the generation gaps and they break. The less I talk about society, the better, for it has always been disintegrating. Why cant people live life normally, in a simple and healthy way, drawing all the good things of their life (be it goals, or people or whatever) into their orbits and by having fun with them? Do we have multiple chances to live life? no... Just one and yet, people make such idiotic choices to please some idiosyncratic moment or idiosyncratic facet of their personality, calling it "the best thing for the moment". A moment doesnt make a lifetime right.
Life as such has its own way of getting back at us. Disappointments are always there, that arise out of chances or situations or from certain sequences of events which are outside our control. Then why cant people manage things that are atleast in their control? Why do people want disappointments apart from the ones that life throws at us? Every person has his own path of life, which will come to an end one day. Then what exactly are people chasing? A good quality of life. It can be in any form, but what ultimately matters is a good quality of life, characterised by happiness, wise choices, intellectual enrichment, fun, affections, people, ability to whatever we want to do and ofcourse the contentment. Are all these threads too difficult to keep? Do we have to compromise on something to get another? or Do we have to ruin one element to win another? Even 2 sworn enemies will smile at each other, may be, when they are at the gateway of death. Then what would make people foment so much negativity in their lives, when they have just 1 lifetime to lead? Why cant people just be, with all the good things that matter to them? Afterall it is just One Life and people are still caught up with the micro-level negative aspects instead of weaving beauty by dwelling more on macro-level aspects of living.
Either I am wrong in expecting all this? Or I need another land/planet to dwell with my idealism, if people call it so.
Living is a customisable art, that no 'art of living' course can teach. But why is that not many want to be an artist in that! And I am disappointed with that.
As the sun sets starts a new life,
Inexpressive and exhausting…
In my dim eyes, then, you can read,
Few unwritten verses …
rain-kissed songs of soul...
The beats of the heart,
Now steady…now missing…
In my utterances you can hear,
Those silences which were...
orphaned by words...
but embraced by music...
But once the sky wears the midnight,
and as I close my eyes, for a dream,
I see you writing my verses,
And I hear you singing my song,
A wind-swept song which fades into silence,
As I wake up…
It is the strangest thing,
I speak to you and my words ring out.
All around they resound.
In nearby streets, far off groves,
In fields and woods beyond the rivers,
In your room and in my home.
And it is good that they should.
These smiles, sighs…gasps and cries,
Have learnt to travel beyond, in skies,
And I feel this mighty echo,
Is just a sign of present epoch…
“What is love like, mother?”,
Asked the little girl.
“Is it like the sight of a butterfly,
Dancing with spright on a blooming daffodil,
Sucking the light of the dawn?
Or like solemn silence,
Singing with the meadow winds?
Is it like the music we hear on a sea-shore?
Or like the songs that fill a night lit by the moonshine?"
"Is it like a rainbow piercing a silhouette,
after it rained in sunlight?
Or like the perfume of the parched earth,
drenched in a summer rain?
Or is it like a dewdrop hanging,
On a lush green leaf?"
“what is love like mother?”,
asked the girl again.
“Is it like a melodious lullabye putting us to sleep?
Or like the sleep that peeps,
Through the eye-lids of a baby?
Why are you mute mother?”, she asked.
Mother wore a smile and said,
“I was thinking of you dear,
it is exactly like You”.
